Bleak and “Method Writing”
When I began to compose “Bleak,” I was adamant on constructing a realistic portrait of a world viewed from the eyes of the disenfranchised students walking in our schools. I wanted to create a work where nothing was sugar coated or sensationalized, but one that was grounded in a brutal authenticity. While I had endured regular bullying in my elementary school life (or, as I phrase it, targeted abuse), I came to realize that my blurred recollections of these experiences made it difficult to create a character who endured these hardships on a regular basis.
While in the midst of this literary roadblock, the lyrics “Out at the train tracks, I dream of escape..” blared through the speakers of my computer. Realizing that the song, “Way Out of Here” by “Porcupine Tree” had shuffled onto my iTunes. I immediately remembered the recesses I spent gazing at passing trains from the edge of the school’s playground. Melancholy images filled my mind, I came to discover that the entirety of Porcupine Tree’s “Fear of a Blank Planet” told a fictionalized tale of a teenage boy attempting to find his way in an increasingly detached society. Galvanized by the story of the album, I began to surround myself in anything that inspired me to write within my novel. I downloaded the majority of Porcupine Tree’s discography, began reading The Chocolate War, (from the advice of my friend, Taylor) and often talked with my parents about my ideas and experiences in an attempt to reconnect with my elementary school self.
My inspiration flourishing, I was now adding content to “Bleak” on a daily basis, but I still worried that the some of the harsher elements within my story seemed forced and stereotypical. I realized that if I was going to write a novel about someone who received targeted abuse on a daily basis, than I needed to know what it was like to live, breath, and survive as Tommy Tate, (the protagonist of my novel.) Searching for ideas, I became fascinated after reading a biography of actor Daniel Day-Lewis a two-time academy award winner for his performances in There Will Be Blood, and Gangs of New York. I discovered that Day-Lewis often engages in something known as “Method Acting,” and remains character for the entirety of his films’ shooting schedule.
Intrigued, I began to ask myself, “What if I dressed, went to school, and actually existed as Tommy Tate?” Excited, but incredibly nervous over the idea, I consulted my parents and close friends about my thought process, (though they likely thought I was bonkers, they all encouraged me to go forward with the idea), and constructed an outfit that I thought resembled the only attire that Tommy could choose to wear. The next day, garbed in jeans with blown out knees, huge, buick like orange shoes purchased for a dollar at the last years yardsale, and with messed up hair resembling that of a tumbleweed, I walked into my high-school as nervous as I was determined. Carrying a journal to my side, I was resolved to chronicle every stare and comment lofted in my direction, and detail my emotional response from each of these reactions.
In the two weeks I conducted this social experiment, I received comments such as “find a comb,” “nice hair,” and in a couple of instances, dehumanizing remakers, but often it was just plain laughter. What cut me deep was not the things that were said to me, but rather the things that were left unsaid. Amongst individuals of whom I was not acquainted, I frequently received intense, venomous glares and was sometimes ignored altogether in group assignments given in my courses. The effect this isolation had upon me can be observed throughout the pages of “Bleak”, and perhaps most notably here, where Tommy participates in a dreaded “orientation” activity during the first day of his junior year of high school.
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“"I used to think I was like a poster on a classroom wall. Though bright and laminated, after a while I forgot what they said, I forgot what they looked like and I forgot that they were there at all. Now I think I stand below these posters. It’s not that people don’t see me, it’s that they wilfully unsee me, and when I’m not seen people forget that I can see at all.
...But I see everything."”
- Tommy Tate, in an excerpt from Bleak
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In the year that I have been constructing “Bleak,” I can say beyond a doubt that this experiment has served as the largest inspiration for my story. The experiment definitely wasn’t perfect, as I assume the classes filled with my friends either didn’t notice or believed I was suffering from a terrible case of senioritis. I’m also just kind of odd, so the students who knew me for four years just sort of took it in stride. However, on the occasions where I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces, the excommunication I felt from the individuals around me is a feeling that will catalyze me through this novel’s entirety.
Since my wide range of experiences at KU, I feel almost an inevitable detachment from the atmosphere of the high school life. While I am not planning on doing anything as extreme as I did last year, I have started revisiting the notes from my experiment, picked up I am the Cheese, by Robert Cormier, (I have always loved his work, and his tendency to add my favorite foods into the title of his novels) created a variety of music playlists for “Bleak,” and am planning to visiting my school back home in an attempt to reconnect with the high school life.
If I there is anything I gained from my experiment, it was that I want to do what I can to tell an authentic story. The best pilots have flown on countless occasions before leading their passengers to a destination, similarly, I hope that my experiences will enable me to lead my readers to an inspiring and genuine conclusion. Even if I had to resort to out of the box methods to gain an understanding of my novel’s subject matter, if “Bleak” can inspire just one person to make a difference, or to show somebody that even the worst days can lead to a new tomorrow, then these sacrifices will have always been worthwhile.
Day One of My Social Experiment.